it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
