apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
