and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
