Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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