i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
