hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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