First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
