In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize