Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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