Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
