Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
4 words: hood of his car
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
