I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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