I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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