I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
