you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
