Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
