worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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