Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
