you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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