How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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