I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
