I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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