i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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