All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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