He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
