NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
