Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
