Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
