i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
