Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
50% drunk capacity currently
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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