I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
