just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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