I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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