Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
