Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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