bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
