Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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