it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I think i got beer on your cat.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
