Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Boobs are out for the taking
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
