you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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