we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
