i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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