I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
