I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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