We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
