So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
