I showed him my bush... on skype.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
