You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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