There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
