i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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