Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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