My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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