nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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