I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
