Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
