I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
