I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
