Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
