You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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