I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
