Where is the hickey?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
