she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
