Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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