We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
