The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everyone says I win the strip club
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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