meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
